April 3, 2013


A simple no could have changed everything. I was standing on the bed side, thinking, this is a bad decision. The doctors told us you had to be transfered to another hospital, but everything in myself told me not to, i knew it deep under, that kind of feeling that crawls up to your spine and stings in the back of your head and tells you its not a good choice. I don´t know why. Even today i ask myself why i did´t step up and told them it was a bad decission. I just let myself merge with the flow of medical problems you had and the lame excuse of the doctors to had you transferred. I remember clearly telling them one thing: "Our ventilator can´t support the pressure she has on the airway". - "It doesn´t matter". They told me, we will manage that with medication. 

That was the moment. Now, years later I realize that was the moment i should have said no. But you can´t change what has happened. I saw you slipping away. Fading, little by little. It was not a fast crash, it was a slow slope where you left this world one breath at the time. I tried with everything I had, but we were halfway from one hospital to another when everything started to go south. I can remember thinking: "She is going to die in front of me, there is nothing I can do".

And that was exactly what happened, you died. At the door of the other hospital your heart stopped and there was nothing anyone could do, you were gone. The doctors at the other hospital tried, they tried very hard but it was already a written situation. Years later i turn back to that moment and i realize. I made a mistake. I should have said no.

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